something awful happened this past friday (12/14/12). it was terrible and tragic and horrible, and it made me hug you a little closer, and made me question what kind of world i'm raising you in, and it's made me cry a lot. when you're older, you might hear about it in history class (newtown, CT, sandy hook elementary school), but i'm not telling you about it now. you're too young. you shouldn't have to understand that children can die. and that parents can be left without their babies. that they can have an entire attic full of gifts for a baby that isn't alive to enjoy them anymore. this didn't even affect me. we're in the south, i know NO ONE in connecticut, but i cry about it. a lot. i think about it. a lot. i just hugged you and started to cry b/c you're alive, and you're ok, and i would die without you. it seems completely irrational to cry about a school shooting that doesn't affect me or the ones i love - but i am. i just hate that this happens. i don't understand what kind of world we're in anymore. when i was a kid, i could play outside and was able to run free around my apartment complex. nowadays there's no way in HECK i'd let you run free. god only knows who would try to hurt you. when i was a kid, i could go to school and be safe. the worst that would happen would be maybe i'd fall and skin my leg. but now... now even first graders can be shot to death in their classroom. i mean, how is that possible? what is this world that we're in? what kind of people.....
i do have hope tho.
i know that there are good people in the world.
i'm good, your daddy's good, you're wonderful - there are billions of good people out there. it's just the few misguided, lost, tortured souls that bring pain on the rest of us - it just seems like there's more of them lately. and it makes me worry for you, for me, for any siblings you may/may not have... for the future.
i know that this will pass. i'll be fine in a few days. the people up there, that actually experienced it will never be over it. they may push it to the back of their minds, but they'll never be "over" it. 
i just thank god that i still have you, that you are healthy, that you are safe.

YOU TOLD YOUR GRANDMA LINDA THAT YOU WANT A BABY SISTER. THAT YOUR DADDY AND I HAVE TO GO TO THE STORE AND GET YOU A BABY SISTER. I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT. WELL I DO KNOW, BUT IT'S ONE OF THOSE SCARY FEELINGS. LIKE, I WANT ANOTHER BABY. I TOTALLY DO. BUT THE IDEA OF HAVING ANOTHER AND NOT HAVING AS MUCH TIME FOR YOU AS I DO RIGHT NOW SCARES ME, B/C I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL, IN ANY WAY, NEGLECTED OR UNLOVED. AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO EVER BE JEALOUS OF YOUR SIBLING (B/C WHILE I'D LOVE ANOTHER GIRL, I CAN'T PROMISE WHAT YOUR DADDY AND I WOULD CREATE. ALL I COULD PROMISE WOULD BE THAT IT'D BE HUMAN). AND WHILE I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL LEFT OUT/JEALOUS/UNLOVED/ETC, I ALSO WOULDN'T WANT THE NEW BABY TO FEEL THAT WAY AT ALL EITHER. I'D WANT TO MAKE 10000000% SURE THAT YOU BOTH KNEW AND FELT LOVED BY YOUR DADDY AND ME.
HAVING ANOTHER BABY WOULD MEAN LESS SNUGGLE TIME WITH YOU. THAT'S SAD. THE THOUGHT OF NOT HOLDING YOUR PRECIOUS SELF ALL NIGHT LONG MAKES ME SAD. BUT YOU REALLY DO NEED TO SLEEP IN YOUR OWN BED. YOU'RE ALMOST 4 NOW. YOUR BED IS WHERE YOU SHOULD BE.
IF WE HAD ANOTHER BABY, IT WOULD HAVE TO SLEEP IN ITS BED, SO YOU WOULD HAVE TO AS WELL.
WHAT IF IT'S A BOY? WE'D HAVE TO SPLIT THE ROOM DECORATIONS B/C WE CAN'T MOVE, SO YOU'D HAVE TO SHARE A ROOM WITH IT, REGARDLESS OF GENDER.
GOSH, LO. I JUST DON'T KNOW. WHILE THERE'S SO MANY POSITIVES ABOUT ANOTHER BABY, THERE'S SO MUCH WE'D BE GIVING UP BY DOING SO. BUT THERE'S ALSO SO MUCH TO GAIN. HELL, HAVING YOU WAS TERRIFYING AND AMAZING. I'VE ASKED YOU A FEW TIMES IF YOU REALLY WANT ONE. I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU IT'D BE A PLAYMATE, B/C A BABY IS BY NO MEANS A PLAYMATE. I'VE ASKED YOU IF YOU'D HELP ME CHANGE DIAPERS AND FEED IT. YOU SAY YES EVERY TIME. YOU'VE EVEN SAID, "MOMMA, I PROMISE TO SHARE MY TOYS WITH MY BABY SISTER. I PROMISE."
YOU'RE JUST SO CUTE, BABY. I FIND MYSELF STARING IN AMAZEMENT AND AWE AT YOU SO MANY TIMES THRU THE DAY. EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS WONDERFUL. YOUR HAND GESTURES ARE PRECIOUS. YOUR HUGS ARE THE BEST THING EVER. YOU ARE THE BEST THING EVER.
I TELL YOU EVERY DAY, MANY TIMES A DAY, SO I HOPE YOU BELIEVE ME, BUT YOU REALLY ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING.
♥ MOMMA

OH MY GRACIOUS. YOU HAVE GOT A STUBBORN LITTLE HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDERS. YOU WON'T GO TO BED UNTIL 9 OR 10 AT NIGHT, YOU TELL ME TO STOP IT, YOU TELL ME TO SHUT UP, YOU ELBOW ME, YOU HIT ME, YOU WANT TO DO EVERYTHING "BY MYSELF!!!!"
YOU'RE GROWING UP AND ASSERTING YOUR INDEPENDENCE. I TRIED TIME OUTS, THEY DID NOTHING BUT MAKE YOU SCREAM LOUDER AND YOU DIDN'T LEARN ANY LESSON FROM IT. SO NOW I'M HAVING TO COUNT TO THREE AS A WARNING FOR WHEN YOU'RE SMARTING OFF OR TELLING ME TO SHUT UP OR WHATEVER - IF I GET TO THREE, YOU GET A POP ON YOUR BUTT - AND THAT DOESN'T EVEN WORK THAT MUCH, SO I END UP HAVING TO POP YOU AGAIN MOST TIMES. I NEVER WANTED TO BE THAT MOM THAT POPS HER KID ON THE BUTT FOR DOING THIS OR THAT - BUT I AM. YOU DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE OR ACCEPT MY AUTHORITY, AND I UNDERSTAND THAT'S B/C YOU'RE 3 YEARS OLD - BUT I STILL HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE YOU LEARN THAT TELLING ANYONE, LET ALONE YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER TO SHUT UP IS NOT ACCEPTABLE (THERE'S A PHRASE I HATED WITH A PASSION WHILE GROWING UP).
SO I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THE BUTT POPPING - AND JUST LET YOU KNOW THAT WHILE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND NOW, AND YOU'LL PROBABLY USE IT AS A REASON TO RESENT ME WHEN YOU'RE A TEENAGER - WHEN YOU GROW UP, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND, AND WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD OF YOUR OWN, YOU'LL REALLY UNDERSTAND. AND HOPEFULLY YOU'LL BE THE MOM THAT HAS IT ALL REALLY EASY AND NEVER HAS ANY DISCIPLINE ISSUES AND NEVER HAS TO EVEN COUNT TO THREE - BUT IF YOU DO, KNOW THAT IT'S OK. I'M NOT DOING IT TO HURT YOU, I'M DOING IT B/C I HAVE TO TEACH YOU - AND THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL BE DOING (IF YOU END UP HAVING TO DO IT TO YOUR OWN CHILD).

ON A LIGHTER NOTE, WE GOT YOU A PUPPY. WELL, YOUR NINA GOT YOU A PUPPY, BUT DADDY AND I GAVE THE OK TO DO IT. SHE'S A SHIH TZU, LIKE MY LULU WAS. SHE'S BLACK AND WHITE, AND HER NAME IS GRACIE LU MCNIBBLES-PAISLEY. SHE'S AWESOME. SHE'S 4 MONTHS OLD. YOU LOVE HER. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE TO BE GENTLE WITH HER B/C SHE'S STILL A BABY, BUT YOU'RE LEARNING. WATCHING YOU LAUGH AND RUN AND PLAY WITH HER IS WONDERFUL AND EXACTLY WHAT YOUR DADDY AND I WANTED YOU TO HAVE. SO THAT'S TOTALLY AWESOME.

NO MATTER WHAT, JUST KNOW THAT WE LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND ARE PROUD OF YOU.

I LOVE YOU ANGEL GIRL
♥ MOMMA

there is nothing cuter in this entire world than your little bitty butt when I change your diaper in the middle of the night and you  roll over mid-change and stick it in up in the air. I love to kiss the place underneath your chin and I love to pat your precious nekkid butt. There will never be a butt as precious and sweet as yours. You could be 95 years old and that butt would still be the sweetest thing ever and under you chin would still be the best kiss place. I was talking to momma once and I asked her, "Do you ever not want to just cuddle with your kid regardless of how old they are?"and she said, "No." And she's right. I don't care how old you are, I cannot ever imagine a time that I wouldn't drop everything just for a chance to go snuggle in bed with you. Just hold you, breathe in the smell of your hair, listen to your breath, and just be near you. You really are the greatest thing I've ever done and everything you do and everything you are makes my life better.
♥ momma

WE'RE TRYING TO POTTY TRAIN YOU. IT KINDA WORKED THIS WEEKEND AND THEN MONDAY MORNING HAPPENED AND IT STOPPED. I DON'T KNOW WHY. YOU WERE DOING SO WELL. YOU'D WAKE UP AND HAVE A MORNING PEE ON THE POTTY WITH MOMMY, YOU'D HAVE AN ACCIDENT EVERY NOW AND THEN, BUT FOR THE MOST PART, YOU WERE GETTING IT (EXCEPT POOP IS STILL IN YOUR PULL UP/DIAPER) - AND THEN MONDAY MORNING, YOU DIDN'T WANNA PEE ON THE POTTY AND YOU HAVEN'T WANTED TO SINCE THEN. NO IDEA WHY. I'M NOT GONNA PUSH IT. I'LL ASK IF YOU WANT TO PEE ON THE POTTY AND IF YOU DO GREAT AND IF YOU DON'T, FINE. THIS WEEKEND YOU'RE GONNA SPEND THE DAY WITH YOUR NEENA ON SATURDAY, SO I'M NOT GONNA PUSH IT THIS WEEKEND, BUT NEXT WEEKEND I'M GONNA PUT YOU IN ACTUAL PANTIES SO IF YOU PEE, IT'S GONNA GO DOWN YOUR LEG AND IF YOU POO, IT'S GONNA BE GROSS - BUT MAYBE IT'LL HELP. I JUST DON'T WANT YOUR LITTLE BUTT TO HAVE ANY MORE DIAPER RASH. I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU WHEN I CHANGE YOU AND IT'S ALL RED AND BUMPY AND IRRITATED. I JUST WANNA MAKE IT GO AWAY BUT THE ONLY CURE IS NOT WEARING A WET DIAPER AND HAVING URIC ACID BURN YOUR ASS. SO - YOU NEED TO BE POTTY TRAINED. I KNOW YOU'LL GET IT.
AFTER POTTY TRAINING, I HAVE TO WORK ON GETTING YOU TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH. YOU WON'T LET ME DO IT FOR YOU, RIGHT NOW YOU'LL OCCASIONALLY ASK TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH BUT ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SUCK THE TOOTHPASTE OFF THE BRUSH AND ASK FOR MORE. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!!
YOU'RE WANTING MORE AND MORE INDEPENDENCE. YOU SIT IN YOUR ROOM AND WATCH TV BY YOURSELF ALOT NOW. YOU'RE GROWING UP SUPER FAST AND I LOVE IT AND HATE IT AT THE SAME TIME. BUT YOU STILL WANT ME TO HOLD YOU AND KISS YOUR BOO-BOOS, AND YOU STILL WANT IN BED WITH ME AND DADDY SO I STILL GET MY ANGEL BABY SNUGGLES. SOMETIMES I WISH YOU'D SLEEP IN YOUR ROOM, WHEN I'M REALLY TIRED AND CRANKY - BUT ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOOK AT ME AND SAY, "ME HOLD YOU" (WHICH MEANS, "MOMMY HOLD ME PLEASE") AND I'M OVER ANY FRUSTRATION, LOL.
YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD. YOU'RE THE SMARTEST GIRL IN THE WORLD. YOU CAN COUNT TO TEN, YOU KNOW HOW TO DIVIDE 10 BY 2'S, ALTHOUGH YOU DON'T REALIZE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING - SO I GUESS THAT DOESN'T COUNT. WE PLAY "TREASURES" WITH SOME VASE FILLER/PLASTIC JEWELS. I GIVE YOU 10 "TREASURES" AND 5 CUPS AND HAVE YOU COUNT THE TREASURES, THEN COUNT THE CUPS, AND THEN PUT 2 TREASURES IN EACH CUP. I'VE TRIED TO BREAK IT DOWN TO 3'S (3 CUPS, 3 TREASURES PER CUP, ETC) BUT IT KINDA CONFUSES YOU. BUT THAT'S COOL. NOT TRYING TO MOVE TOO QUICKLY OR ANYTHING.
YOU'RE HAIR IS SUPER LONG, WE STILL HAVEN'T EVER GOTTEN IT CUT. IT'S ABOUT MID-BACK RIGHT NOW. I WEIGHED YOU LAST NIGHT (WASN'T ACTUALLY MEANING TO, I'M ON WEIGHT WATCHERS AND WAS WEIGHING MYSELF AND YOU JUST HAD TO DO IT TOO, LOL) AND YOU WEIGH 40.4LBS NOW. GOD IT'S GOING SO FAST!
ANYHOO, I GUESS THAT'S ALL FOR RIGHT NOW.
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE AND I LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE EVERY DAY BABY.
♥ MOMMA