there is nothing cuter in this entire world than your little bitty butt when I change your diaper in the middle of the night and you  roll over mid-change and stick it in up in the air. I love to kiss the place underneath your chin and I love to pat your precious nekkid butt. There will never be a butt as precious and sweet as yours. You could be 95 years old and that butt would still be the sweetest thing ever and under you chin would still be the best kiss place. I was talking to momma once and I asked her, "Do you ever not want to just cuddle with your kid regardless of how old they are?"and she said, "No." And she's right. I don't care how old you are, I cannot ever imagine a time that I wouldn't drop everything just for a chance to go snuggle in bed with you. Just hold you, breathe in the smell of your hair, listen to your breath, and just be near you. You really are the greatest thing I've ever done and everything you do and everything you are makes my life better.
♥ momma

WE'RE TRYING TO POTTY TRAIN YOU. IT KINDA WORKED THIS WEEKEND AND THEN MONDAY MORNING HAPPENED AND IT STOPPED. I DON'T KNOW WHY. YOU WERE DOING SO WELL. YOU'D WAKE UP AND HAVE A MORNING PEE ON THE POTTY WITH MOMMY, YOU'D HAVE AN ACCIDENT EVERY NOW AND THEN, BUT FOR THE MOST PART, YOU WERE GETTING IT (EXCEPT POOP IS STILL IN YOUR PULL UP/DIAPER) - AND THEN MONDAY MORNING, YOU DIDN'T WANNA PEE ON THE POTTY AND YOU HAVEN'T WANTED TO SINCE THEN. NO IDEA WHY. I'M NOT GONNA PUSH IT. I'LL ASK IF YOU WANT TO PEE ON THE POTTY AND IF YOU DO GREAT AND IF YOU DON'T, FINE. THIS WEEKEND YOU'RE GONNA SPEND THE DAY WITH YOUR NEENA ON SATURDAY, SO I'M NOT GONNA PUSH IT THIS WEEKEND, BUT NEXT WEEKEND I'M GONNA PUT YOU IN ACTUAL PANTIES SO IF YOU PEE, IT'S GONNA GO DOWN YOUR LEG AND IF YOU POO, IT'S GONNA BE GROSS - BUT MAYBE IT'LL HELP. I JUST DON'T WANT YOUR LITTLE BUTT TO HAVE ANY MORE DIAPER RASH. I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU WHEN I CHANGE YOU AND IT'S ALL RED AND BUMPY AND IRRITATED. I JUST WANNA MAKE IT GO AWAY BUT THE ONLY CURE IS NOT WEARING A WET DIAPER AND HAVING URIC ACID BURN YOUR ASS. SO - YOU NEED TO BE POTTY TRAINED. I KNOW YOU'LL GET IT.
AFTER POTTY TRAINING, I HAVE TO WORK ON GETTING YOU TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH. YOU WON'T LET ME DO IT FOR YOU, RIGHT NOW YOU'LL OCCASIONALLY ASK TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH BUT ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SUCK THE TOOTHPASTE OFF THE BRUSH AND ASK FOR MORE. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!!
YOU'RE WANTING MORE AND MORE INDEPENDENCE. YOU SIT IN YOUR ROOM AND WATCH TV BY YOURSELF ALOT NOW. YOU'RE GROWING UP SUPER FAST AND I LOVE IT AND HATE IT AT THE SAME TIME. BUT YOU STILL WANT ME TO HOLD YOU AND KISS YOUR BOO-BOOS, AND YOU STILL WANT IN BED WITH ME AND DADDY SO I STILL GET MY ANGEL BABY SNUGGLES. SOMETIMES I WISH YOU'D SLEEP IN YOUR ROOM, WHEN I'M REALLY TIRED AND CRANKY - BUT ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOOK AT ME AND SAY, "ME HOLD YOU" (WHICH MEANS, "MOMMY HOLD ME PLEASE") AND I'M OVER ANY FRUSTRATION, LOL.
YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD. YOU'RE THE SMARTEST GIRL IN THE WORLD. YOU CAN COUNT TO TEN, YOU KNOW HOW TO DIVIDE 10 BY 2'S, ALTHOUGH YOU DON'T REALIZE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING - SO I GUESS THAT DOESN'T COUNT. WE PLAY "TREASURES" WITH SOME VASE FILLER/PLASTIC JEWELS. I GIVE YOU 10 "TREASURES" AND 5 CUPS AND HAVE YOU COUNT THE TREASURES, THEN COUNT THE CUPS, AND THEN PUT 2 TREASURES IN EACH CUP. I'VE TRIED TO BREAK IT DOWN TO 3'S (3 CUPS, 3 TREASURES PER CUP, ETC) BUT IT KINDA CONFUSES YOU. BUT THAT'S COOL. NOT TRYING TO MOVE TOO QUICKLY OR ANYTHING.
YOU'RE HAIR IS SUPER LONG, WE STILL HAVEN'T EVER GOTTEN IT CUT. IT'S ABOUT MID-BACK RIGHT NOW. I WEIGHED YOU LAST NIGHT (WASN'T ACTUALLY MEANING TO, I'M ON WEIGHT WATCHERS AND WAS WEIGHING MYSELF AND YOU JUST HAD TO DO IT TOO, LOL) AND YOU WEIGH 40.4LBS NOW. GOD IT'S GOING SO FAST!
ANYHOO, I GUESS THAT'S ALL FOR RIGHT NOW.
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE AND I LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE EVERY DAY BABY.
♥ MOMMA

LAYING IN BED WITH YOU EARLY THIS MORNING, LISTENING TO IT RAIN, I STARTED THINKING... I WILL NEVER NOT WANT TO SNUGGLE IN BED WITH YOU. NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE, I'LL ALWAYS WANT TO CURL UP NEXT TO YOU, HOLD YOU, SMELL YOUR HAIR, KISS YOU ON THE CHEEK, AND JUST LOVE YOU. I'LL ALWAYS WANT THAT. I CAN'T IMAGINE NOT WANTING THAT. THERE'S NOTHING BETTER IN THIS WHOLE WORLD THAN SNUGGLES WITH YOU. WHEN YOU ROLL OVER AND LOOK AT ME WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL EYES AND PUT YOUR TINY LITTLE HAND ON MY FACE AND SAY, "MOMMA. I LOVE YOU." IT'S AS IF GOD HIMSELF WERE TOUCHING MY HEART.

YOU'RE SO STRONG WILLED LATELY. I KNOW IT'S NOT A BAD THING, BUT IT IS A SOURCE OF FRUSTRATION. IN THE MORNINGS, I NEED TO LEAVE, I HAVE TO GET TO WORK, BUT YOU KEEP ON SAYING, "JUST A MINUTE, JUST A MINUTE" B/C YOU HAVE TO FINISH PLAYING WITH YOUR EDWARD DOLL, OR PICK UP YOUR BABY DOLLS, JUST TO PUT THEM BACK DOWN TO PICK THEM BACK UP. YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF TIME, YOU SHOULDN'T, YOU'RE 2, BUT I DO AND I HAVE TO CONSTANTLY REMIND MYSELF OF THAT. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU'RE 2. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT I'M LATE TO WORK EVERY MORNING B/C I NEVER GET UP IN TIME B/C I'M ALWAYS SO TIRED. YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU DON'T CARE, AND YOU SHOULDN'T.
FOUND OUT THIS MORNING THAT STEVE JOBS DIED YESTERDAY. NOT SURE IF YOU'LL REALLY KNOW WHO HE WAS, BUT JUST KNOW THAT HE WAS ONE WAS THE GREATEST TECHNOLOGICAL MINDS OF OUR TIME. HE CAME UP WITH THINGS PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW THEY NEEDED AND CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT. AND IT'S SILLY IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THINGS LIKE PORTABLE MUSIC PLAYERS, AND CELL PHONES, AND COMPUTERS, AND THINGS LIKE THAT, BUT REALLY - HE WAS  GENIUS. SO, IF THEY DON'T MENTION HIM IN YOUR SCHOOL BOOKS, KNOW THAT HE EXISTED AND WAS GREAT.
OTHER THAN THAT, THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH NEW. WE'RE ALMOST DONE WITH THE HOUSE. FINISHING UP THE BATHROOM. I WANT TO TAKE A SHOWER SO BADLY I CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT. I WANT TO GET THAT PAINT OFF YOUR LEG THAT'S BEEN THERE FOR LIKE 2 DAYS BY BATHING YOU. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DRIVE TO ARKANSAS JUST TO DO THOSE THINGS. I'M READY FOR IT TO BE OVER.
YOU'RE READY TO POTTY TRAIN. I KNOW THIS B/C YOU ASK TO GO POTTY, YOU TELL ME WHEN YOU WANT YOUR DIAPER CHANGED - BUT WE DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A BATHROOM RIGHT NOW, SO IT'S NOT POSSIBLE, SO THAT SUCKS. I WANT TO GET YOU POTTY TRAINED, HOPEFULLY WE CAN GET TO IT NEXT WEEK.

AT MANY POINTS IN YOUR LIFE, PEOPLE WILL MISUNDERSTAND YOU. THEY WILL THINK YOU ARE BEING FUNNY WHEN YOU AREN'T, THEY WILL THINK YOU'RE BEING MEAN WHEN YOU DON'T MEAN TO BE, THEY WILL THINK ALL DIFFERENT THINGS THAT YOU DIDN'T ANTICIPATE. IT'S OK. SOMETIMES IT SUCKS, SOMETIMES IT KIND OF HURTS YOUR FEELINGS THAT THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEANT OR WHERE YOU WERE COMING FROM - BUT REMEMBER THAT IT'S OK. WE'RE ALL HUMAN, WE ALL INTERPRET THINGS DIFFERENTLY. SO JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATH, AND CALMLY EXPLAIN YOURSELF. EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEANT TO SAY, OR HOW YOU MEANT TO BE TAKEN - AND HOPEFULLY THAT'LL CLEAR THINGS UP.
SOMETIMES YOU WON'T WANT TO CLARIFY YOURSELF. IT'LL BOTHER YOU THAT SOMEONE MISUNDERSTOOD YOU, BUT YOU DON'T SEE THE REASON TO HAVE TO JUSTIFY YOURSELF - AND THAT'S OK TOO. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT TO SAY, OR HOW YOU MEANT TO BE TAKEN, AND THAT'S OK.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD ANY MORE SEIZURES, NOW I'M STARTING TO QUESTION WHETHER THEY WERE SEIZURES AT ALL. KIDS ARE SO STRANGE SOMETIMES, LOL!!
WE'RE ATTEMPTING TO POTTY TRAIN THIS WEEK, WE'LL SEE HOW THAT GOES. SO FAR YOU'VE PEED ON THE FLOOR AND SPLASHED AND JUMPED IN IT, EXCLAIMING, "MOMMA! I PLAYIN'! I PLAYIN'!" WHILE IT WAS GROSS TO CLEAN A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF PEE UP OFF THE FLOOR, IT WAS REALLY REALLY CUTE TOO :)
YOU HAVE A NEW TOY - A STUFFED PENCIL THAT A COWORKER OF MINE'S LITTLE BOY (MIGUEL) GOT YOU - YOU NAMED IT PATRICK AND YOU SLEEP WITH IT AND BEEBO (YOUR NAME FOR WINNIE THE POOH). I'M TERRIFIED OF YOU GETTING TOO ATTACHED TO PATRICK B/C HE'S JUST A TOY THAT YOU WIN FROM ONE OF THOSE CLAW MACHINES, SO IT'S VERY LOW QUALITY CRAFTSMANSHIP AND MATERIALS - I DON'T ANTICIPATE HIM LASTING TOO LONG - AND I DON'T WANT YOU UPSET WHEN PATRICK BREAKS. I'LL TRY MY BEST TO FIX HIM, BUT SOMETIMES THOSE THINGS JUST CAN'T BE FIXED.
WE HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE ZOO IN A FEW MONTHS. IT'S JUST BEEN WAY TOO BLASTED HOT. I'M HOPING MAYBE IN THE NEXT COUPLE WEEKS WE CAN GO.
I FOUND OUT THE OTHER NIGHT THAT THE ENTIRE UNDERSIDE OF OUR HOUSE IS COVERED IN MOLD AND THAT MAKES ME WORRY THAT THAT WOULD BE WHAT'S CAUSED YOU TO GET SICK AS OFTEN AS YOU SEEM TO - AND IF THOSE WERE SEIZURES, IF THE MOLD COULD BE CONTRIBUTING TO THAT TOO. I'M PRAYING THE INSURANCE COMPANY WILL COVER IT SO WE CAN FIX IT AND GET OUR HOUSE AND OUR LIVES HEALTHY AGAIN.
SPEAKING OF HEALTHY - I'M TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING. AGAIN. IF YOU EVER DO START, I WON'T JUDGE YOU, BUT PLEASE JUST DON'T START. IT'S SUCH A STUPID HABIT. YOU SMELL LIKE DIRTY ASHTRAY, YOU'RE BREATH REEKS, AND YOU CAN'T FREAKING BREATH. IT'S JUST DUMB. AND SOOOOOO HARD TO QUIT. SO HARD. THEY'VE FOUND NOW THAT NICOTINE IS EVEN MORE ADDICTIVE THAN HEROIN - SO JUST DON'T SMOKE, OK? BUT AGAIN, IF YOU DO, I'M NOT GONNA JUDGE YOU OR HOUND YOU ABOUT IT.
YOU STILL END UP IN BED WITH US EVERY NIGHT. I DON'T CARE. I LOVE SNUGGLES. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM! AND SO DOES YOUR DADDY.

THERE ARE SOME THINGS IN THIS WORLD THAT I CANNOT PROTECT YOU FROM. THEY ARE THE THINGS THAT I FEAR AND HATE THE MOST.
YOU'RE HAVING SEIZURES. IT MAY BE NOTHING, BUT IT SCARES ME. WE'RE GOING TO THE DOCTOR AT 11:45 THIS MORNING ABOUT IT. DEPENDING ON WHAT I TELL THEM AND STUFF, WE MIGHT EVEN HAVE TO SEE A NEUROLOGIST.
A FEW MONTHS BACK, AS I WAS GETTING YOU DOWN FOR A NAP, YOU DID THIS WEIRD LITTLE 3 QUICK NOSE BREATHS AND THEN YOUR WHOLE BODY SEIZED UP AND YOUR EYES ROLLED BACK IN YOUR HEAD. THAT LASTED MAYBE 2 SECONDS AND IT HAPPENED LIKE 3 TIMES IN A ROW. FREAKED ME OUT, BUT I CALLED THE DOC AND THEY SAID THAT SOME KIDS GET THAT IN THE TIMES RIGHT BEFORE FALLING ASLEEP AND IT NORMALLY PASSES. IT PASSED. ONLY HAPPENED FOR A COUPLE DAYS AND WENT AWAY, SO I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING OF IT AFTER IT STOPPED. BUT ABOUT 5 OR SO DAYS AGO, AS YOU WERE ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP FOR A NAP ON THE COUCH, YOU SUCKED IN THRU YOUR NOSE REALLY HARD, LIKE YOU HAD A STOPPED UP NOSE. SO THAT'S ALL I THOUGHT - AND I THOUGHT NOTHING MORE OF IT. THEN YOU DID IT BEFORE YOU WENT TO SLEEP, SO I THOUGHT YOUR ALLERGIES MUST BE MESSING WITH YOU, SO I GAVE YOU BENADRYL. THEN IT HAPPENED THE NEXT DAY, ONLY A LITTLE MORE AND THEN AGAIN, AND I THOUGHT WE NEEDED TO GET A HUMIDIFIER FOR YOUR ROOM B/C MAYBE YOUR NOSE WAS REALLY DRY - THEN AFTER LAST NIGHT, I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR NOSE. IT'S LIKE LITTLE SEIZURES OVER AND OVER AGAIN. YOU SUCK IN REALLY HARD THRU YOUR NOSE, AND AS YOU DO IT, YOUR WHOLE LITTLE BODY TENSES UP. YOU WOULD DO IT, THEN RELAX FOR A COUPLE SECONDS, THEN DO IT AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN. LASTED ABOUT 15 MINUTES LAST NIGHT BEFORE YOU FINALLY FELL ASLEEP. EVENTUALLY LAST NIGHT YOU WERE TENSING UP SO MUCH IT WAS AS IF YOU WERE TRYING TO CLIMB OVER YOUR BED RAIL OR UP ONTO MY LAP OR CHEST. ONCE YOU FALL ASLEEP YOU'RE FINE, YOU DON'T DO IT AGAIN - BUT LAST NIGHT EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU WOKE UP (BE IT FROM BAD DREAMS OR WET DIAPER), YOU WOULD DO IT AGAIN FOR ABOUT A MINUTE BEFORE FALLING BACK ASLEEP.
I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER IF YOU HAVE A COLD. I CAN HELP YOU FEEL BETTER IF YOU HAVE HAND, FOOT, AND MOUTH. I CAN MAKE THE OUCHIE GO AWAY WITH A KISS IF YOU FALL DOWN. I CAN HELP IF YOU HAVE A TUMMY ACHE. I CAN'T STOP YOUR BRAIN FROM SENDING WEIRD SIGNALS TO YOUR BODY. I CAN'T STOP THAT. THERE CAN'T BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU. I'M TELLING YOU NOW, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY PROBLEMS LIKE THAT. YOU JUST CAN'T. IF YOU DO, WE'LL WORK THRU IT AND MAKE IT BETTER - BUT I THINK WE JUST NIP THIS IN THE BUD NOW. TELL YOUR BRAIN THAT IT NEEDS TO STOP AND MAYBE THAT'LL WORK.
I'M NOT GOING TO REALLY FREAK OUT ABOUT IT YET THO. COULD BE NOTHING. COULD BE "NORMAL" EVEN THO I DON'T KNOW ANYONE THAT USED TO HAVE SEIZURES AS THEY WERE FALLING ASLEEP, BUT WHATEVER, MAYBE IT IS.
I LOVE YOU BABY.
BE WELL.
♥ MOMMA